warm nights, awaiting

spring clearing

Like the snow melting into puddles at my feet, I feel the sadness slowly doing the same. Thawing. And I drive into the sun, hoping to catch it for only a few moments longer. It's been so long since we danced. Everything changes when the world turns from one season to the next.. and we wait, as we always seem to, for something more. Restlessness stirs, and I feel my feet moving beneath me - subconsciously deciding where to run to now. I yearn for the day when I no longer feel like running, the day when everything is just as right as it can be. The sun always reassures me that one day, it will come. I'm coming out of hibernation, I'm coming headstrong to tackle the demons who spent the winter nesting here. Time to clear out cobwebs and dust out the attic... time to make space for me, again.

you were my sweetest downfall

Visiting old songs, like pages written in my book : worn, and well loved. Wrapped in a blanket, wrapped in my memories.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p62rfWxs6a8

potential

I can remember the joy like it only happened a few moments ago. Remembering is exhausting. I'd like to just forget - start over. Amnesia is sickeningly appealing - if only I could keep the lessons learned but forget the pain it caused me. I wonder a lot about the impacts of letting this weigh on me for so long will have... like I have any choice in the matter. "Get over it" sounds so nice - but it's just not that easy. It's an every day uphill battle. Knowing the past is the past for a reason, believing that happier days will come, understanding that you deserve more. Seems simple enough, right? But when your heart is broken and your soul is weak and you feel defeated at every turn - these simple affirmations seem unattainable. The small tokens of every day common living plague. you like a long dessert road with no end in sight. A year is a long time, but it's gone by so fast. I'm closing the door, but it is never locked. Just knock -  I will answer with a smile, and invite you in for a cuppa tea.

so many people to love in my life, so why do I worry about one?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVXFP89EeqU

Some times it doesn't matter what you say, or how you feel - it can't be changed. Accepting that this is out of my hands is hard to bare, but it's all I can do to prevent the self destruction. I wish for better, I hope for happier days... optimism was never a strong suit for me. I pack my bags and I put out the last of the embers still rumbling, aching to catch fire. I was never good at loving myself, but it's about time I learned how.