hope

my head is swimming. amazing how the very same thing can be viewed in such different manors. to one person, an excitement - a joy! to the next, a burden.. a pain and a heart ache. I am so overwhelmed with happiness, to even just be a part. I am looking forward to the future.. a little glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. good things happen all the time, you just have to pay attention

we walk in the same direction, so we can never stray

music heals the soul. so I finger through my old CD's and find songs that will ease the tension, release the sadness, empty my head. long lost lusts, broken hearts, from-the-gut-laughs, days I don't remember, years I'll never forget. When there is nothing left to say, is it time to walk away? questions nobody can answer but me, because nobody knows the rhythm of my heart ... nobody can make my decisions because nobody has walked through the life I have to get to these choices. When hard becomes impossible, and pain becomes unbearable. some times, the right right thing and the hardest thing are the same.

capsized

my boy

You came into this world with such force and wonder, I sometimes have to take a step back and remind myself just who you are and how you got here. It feels like merely moments ago that you came up for air and changed my every notion of what life was to be like. I am in such amazement of the little life that has flourished, what an incredible little person you have grown to be. You shine light into every dark corner, and whether you realize it or not, have saved me time and time again. You are a testament that great things can come from very dark places - and I will never be able to show you just how much I am in awe of you. So many days have past since you arrived, so many more days will come.. we have so much to explore. You bring me to my roots and show me the simplicity of life. Happy day of birth to you, my sweet little boy - we are only just beginning.

heartbreak even

The mayhem that plagues the unconscious hours is riddled with the lies and deception I've run from for so long. I open my eyes, floating between reality and a dream I thought I could hold. The weight of gravity pulls me down, back to feet on the ground. I dream I've got this little girl, she has brown eyes... we're always walking to nowhere in particular. She holds my hand tightly, pulls me along eagerly... but then we get to nowhere and she's taken from me. I spend the rest of what seems like endless hours searching desperately to find her. Who took her? How did I let her get from my sight? Why can't I find her? ... and then I'm awake, and she's not real. She is just a brown eyed girl made up in my subconscious, left to haunt me. It's a long road to forgiveness, it takes a long time to heal. Sometimes, I wake up thinking if only I could stay asleep a little longer... I would be able to find her, grab her hand and never let go.

give me hope in the darkness

Dear Me, Strength has always been the one thing you believed you had none of. You are wrong. Look at where you've gone, from where you have come. Despite the odds, you have defeated the barriers placed in front of you and alone, have conquered most. Stop beating yourself up about the people who have let you down, they have only reinforced that you are strong enough to get back up. Some days, it will feel like all the cards are stacked against you. Some days, they will be. One day in the grand scheme of things is hardly but a pebble on the beach. Keep going, this too shall pass. When you feel like giving up, and that you'd do anything for a lent hand - turn to those who have always dropped everything for you and yours. Stop looking in dark corners for light, you will only find disappointment. Accept the things (and people) you cannot change, and look to the horizon. There is always something coming, always a new day. You are not useless. You are not stupid, or pathetic. You are not defined by the choices you have made in the past, but merely they have shaped your judgment for the future. Forgive yourself, for everyone makes mistakes. It is normal to slip up, to take steps back and do the same things over again. It's hard, and you are forgiven for giving in to temptation. Don't let the weight of broken promises, hurtful names and power struggle bring you to your knees. You can not change anyone else's mind, all you can do is keep being yourself. Stay true to the morals you hold, and be honest and forgiving. The people who matter, don't mind. And the people who mind, don't matter. You are doing okay. Keep going. It's lonely, and it's hard : but it will level out, and you will have a new found pride in how strong you really are. Love always, You.

it's a shame, it's a shame, it's a shame

what does it mean, the water?

the aching isn't lessened by the release of tears. sometimes you can only be so lucky. I wash my face in the cold water running from the tap, attempting to freeze them where the lay. I know it's important to take the bad, just as much so as it is to take the good. Today it is more than I can bare, and distraction is my best friend. Dive into the papers scattered at my feet, hope my mind will trail off into the pathway of learning. So hard to focus, so hard to stay awake. I let it crash over me like the oceans wave.. let it run down me and take me out. There is no point in fighting the pain - just let it flow through me, and take it as it comes. nothing can ever be the same again.