got an empty head that weighs 50 Lbs

"and I'm beginning to see some problems with the ongoing work of my mind" Words are a tool, and every tool is a weapon if you hold it right. I fight fire with fire, and I have a lot of anger. I thought I had a better handle on the problems I face regularly... but I'm starting to realize I actually have very little control. I'm a lose cannon, and my emotions rule my every movement. An escape is what I'm after, a moment of peace. Why is that so much to ask? I feel like I keep trekking through the wild and I just keep coming up in places I've already been, running around in circles with a lack of direction. I am so good with words, I can talk myself into or out of pretty much anything. and it's starting to take more than it gives, and im starting to wonder when the payoff comes - when do I find a reward for all of my sweat, blood, love and dedication? why isn't what I have a payoff? I keep asking questions like this white screen will have answers, like I will find my way through my writing - and at the end, I'm always at the same spot.... typing away into a screen with no reprise.

heal.

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7jpxEziKfnQIi4Cbbuh_nyhzYP8hc4QmMQ999K6Ity74nDXHyNBVvvtdduG_tLsdPYz1amancD9KiO86iOsChswu3E3odTMI4NzJ5fXibrfKWwJ9HS9AlC7WnaivyUQaEFCYguaf9xfs/s1600/heal.jpg

they were right with the order of things, parenting alone is for the dogs.

so with everything aside, I'm literally falling apart. the pressure is too much, the expectations too high - and what is my most comfortable reaction? self destruction. I've never felt so lost in my entire life, so utterly and completely baffled by my every surrounding. sleep away the pain. and so I do, and get further lost in the abyss. I can only hope I come back, or if not - that they will be okay without me. I guess it's time for someone else to pick up the slack now that I'm finally failing.