fogged

I'm standing in a crowded room, wall to wall with people, and I am screaming at the top of my lungs - but no one looks up or even notices. Melodramatic fool. I can't make sense of this spot that I'm in, but I am bound and broken and cannot find the words I need to break the noose around my neck. Speaking forces the ropes tighter, and fighting it makes me weak. So i submit, and let myself fall. It breaks to pieces, and I am worked too hard and thin to the bone - but it's never enough. Words have lost purpose, for what good am I doing by speaking such thoughts? No one can help me, no one can save me - this is my battle, and I'm fighting against myself. I'm doomed to fail. Days merge into one another and I can't find a way to stop it. I need more time - there is never enough time. A list of tasks, a list of emotions - all laid out on my lap, patiently awaiting me to get it together and start tackling the demons. So why am I so tired? so unable to get up and make it happen. When did this fog pull me under? and more importantly... how do I get out?

baby steps

I always hold back - walking on egg shells, for fear of the next outburst. For what? I have no reservations of what will come after this storm... other than a goal to be in a better place than I am now. A very murky place exists within me and in it, I delude myself. I find justifications in actions, reason where there is none - I let myself believe the lies and the fabrications. I start listening to those words, worse is I start believing them... Only in this murky place. Once away from there, I realize I am happier alone - getting healthy for the first time in a very long time. Never fully healing from the depression that jumped on me when I first took the steps into motherhood. Just relapses of the same pain, the same humiliation. Respect. Understanding. Equality. Trust. Honesty. SIMPLE requests. But they aren't, not to him - it's like I am asking the world. I never would have gone this far, had I been able to forsee what was coming. But you can't change the past, you can only change the future - so that is what I will do.