countermove

and out of the corner of my eye, I saw it. all-too familiar, and immediately I could relate - felt her cheeks flush, sweaty palms and anxious/nervous laugh > anything to cover up the pain. and in that moment it dawned on me - I am not the only one who goes through the ritual of being pushed down, pushed aside, pushed away. she saw me watching, I didn't mean to watch, and so she retorted - told him something demeaning to divert from the hurt he had caused. something to fight back with, anything to not feel like the victim. and I often find myself wondering if I'm crazy, like I may be losing my mind - because I keep making moves and it's always met with a countermove. there is always something that puts the blame on me, or if not - it comes down to this being my choice, therefore everything that comes from it is also my fault. Equality is all I have ever been after - a little bit of recognition, some appreciation, but mostly just an equal share of the respect, affection and trust that I put forth. and it's so hard to read, so hard to be honest with myself about - but I can't rape myself of the questioning that has to come from this. there is no base, and you can't get a base without trust - and there is no trust. we are going to start from nothing - there is no other way.