countermove

and out of the corner of my eye, I saw it. all-too familiar, and immediately I could relate - felt her cheeks flush, sweaty palms and anxious/nervous laugh > anything to cover up the pain. and in that moment it dawned on me - I am not the only one who goes through the ritual of being pushed down, pushed aside, pushed away. she saw me watching, I didn't mean to watch, and so she retorted - told him something demeaning to divert from the hurt he had caused. something to fight back with, anything to not feel like the victim. and I often find myself wondering if I'm crazy, like I may be losing my mind - because I keep making moves and it's always met with a countermove. there is always something that puts the blame on me, or if not - it comes down to this being my choice, therefore everything that comes from it is also my fault. Equality is all I have ever been after - a little bit of recognition, some appreciation, but mostly just an equal share of the respect, affection and trust that I put forth. and it's so hard to read, so hard to be honest with myself about - but I can't rape myself of the questioning that has to come from this. there is no base, and you can't get a base without trust - and there is no trust. we are going to start from nothing - there is no other way.

more

So much coursing through my veins, so much emotion and pain. But I'm not meant to feel sadness, I'm meant to feel guilt - this is MY fault. I've done this, I've forced this. So I don't dare cry, don't dare show my face of contorted disbelief - this is my fault. And we will forget about the days and weeks and months that lead up to this, we will put that somewhere in the back, let it sit and sink in. And what am I suppose to do now? What is left in this pile of rubble and ash and destruction? Everything has been said and sorted and acknowledged. But somehow here we are right at the beginning again and nothing seems to make a difference. I don't want to fight it, I want to fight for it. I want to know that something will come of this. But I am worn so thin, so barely making it through the day. And for what? I say I want to fight for it, but I'm not certain I know what I'm fighting for anymore. There is so little time, only a whole life time ahead... and the days go so quickly. Look at that boy. LOOK at him. You and I created such an incredible human being - such a force, a beauty. And it took everything out of me. And it will continue to take everything - and every turn that I could take looks so bleak, so bland and undesirable. I promised myself that I would NEVER let it come to this again, never let my path get so narrow and nauseating. I tried so hard, fought with every ounce of energy I could reserve - and still, it was not enough. I wonder when I will know how to admit this is not just my fault.

this tag of war, you'll always win

On the first page of our story
The future seemed so bright
Then this thing turned out so evil
I don't know why I'm still surprised
Even angels have their wicked schemes
And you take that to new extremes
But you'll always be my hero
Even though you've lost your mind

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Ohhh, I love the way you lie

Now there's gravel in our voices
Glass is shattered from the fight
And this tug of war, you'll always win
Even when I'm right
'Cause you feed me fables from your head
With violent words and empty threats
And it's sick that all these battles
Are what keeps me satisfied

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Ohhh, I love the way you lie

So maybe I'm a masochist
I try to run but I don't wanna ever leave
Til the walls are goin' up
In smoke with all our memories

It's morning, you wake, a sunray hits your face
Smeared makeup as we lay in the wake of destruction
Hush baby, speak softly, tell me you're awfully sorry
That you pushed me into the coffee table last night
So I can push you off me
Try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me
Run out the room and I'll follow you like a lost puppy
Baby, without you, I'm nothing, I'm so lost, hug me
Then tell me how ugly I am, but that you'll always love me
Then after that, shove me, in the aftermath of the
Destructive path that we're on, two psychopaths but we
Know that no matter how many knives we put in each other's backs
That we'll have each other's backs, 'cause we're that lucky
Together, we move mountains, let's not make mountains out of molehills,
You hit me twice, yeah, but who's countin'?
I may have hit you three times, I'm startin' to lose count
But together, we'll live forever, we found the youth fountain
Our love is crazy, we're nuts, but I refused counsellin'
This house is too huge, if you move out I'll burn all two thousand
Square feet of it to the ground, ain't shit you can do about it
With you I'm in my f-ckin' mind, without you, I'm out it

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

this time

When you want something to happen, the last thing you want to do is fight against what will make it happen. What is there to be accomplished from screaming into the receiver, claiming your property? Telling me how wrong I am, how I'm the one making the wrong choice. Despite ones opinion on another persons choices, it is still that persons choice and cramming your opinion down their throat is not the way to go about changing it. Go slowly, show the change, be secure in yourself - the confidence will come through on it's own. It's slow, it's painful - but it would be worth it. Maybe it's not? Maybe I'm wrong in thinking this is really what you want. If you're not working for it, it's likely lacking substance. It takes work, it takes time - and unfortunately the deadline has come and gone. So now we start over, start fresh - and work from the bottom up. There's room for error, there's room for experimentation - but there is no more room for stubborn angry jealous and controlling shit. The part of me that once accepted that is no longer here, she flew away when you walked out the door. Now is the time to bring the goods to the table, take the opportunity to be the person in our lives we so need and deserve. Come happy, come bearing gifts and love and gratitude. Come. But don't push me down, push me around, push me aside. I'm not backing down, this time.

flames

I watched it, as the flames began to flicker. It seemed such a unique thing, this tiny light beginning from nowhere. As if fire itself was something new and amazing to me. As the weeks went by, the flame grew and grew - to the size of a wood stove fire. Beautiful, lots of warmth and energy. And then, it caught the corner of a curtain. Licked it, just enough to make the flames jump and create a bigger flame. Before I knew it, the house was on fire. I stood there, watching it devour everything I knew, everything I held dear. My whole persona, gone... eaten up by the flames. And then, the inevitable. I am now watching it die out, watching the last flames flicker in the light. Mostly rubbish now, a big heaping mass of a burnt up life. I want to capture one of the remaining flames, nurture it and keep it safe. Watch it grow into a pleasant, warming, beautiful glow once more. The problem is, I don't think I can. I don't think that after this - I don't think I much like working with fire anymore.

hurt

I hurt myself today,
to see if I still feel.
I focus on the pain,
the only thing that's real.
The needle tears a hole,
the old familiar sting.
Try to kill it all away,
but I remember everything.
What have I become?
My sweetest friend.
Everyone I know,
goes away in the end.
And you could have it all,
my empire of dirt.

I will let you down,
I will make you hurt.

I wear this crown of thorns,
upon my liar's chair.
Full of broken thoughts,
I cannot repair.
Beneath the stains of time,
the feelings disappear.
You are someone else.
I am still right here.

What have I become?
My sweetest friend.
Everyone I know,
goes away in the end.
And you could have it all,
my empire of dirt.

I will let you down.
I will make you hurt.

If I could start again,
a million miles away.
I would keep myself.
I would find a way.