the void

I could easily surpass this emotional dilemma and blame it on the hormones that are still surging through me post-pregnancy. I could turn my head, ignore the thundering waves that pass through constantly and wait for it to eventually take up residence somewhere in the back of me.. in a dark corner, where it inevitably will wait and spring on me again in the not-so-distant future. That would be the quick fix - the typical "Katie" way of dealing with something of this magnitude. However, this is a life-long demon, one that will continue to stay with me (albeit, it will get smaller and smaller and have less control once I start facing it) for a long time to come. My mum said she just finally got a full grip on this one, and stopped letting it have a chunk of her. But how do you even begin to tackle something as big as the impact your father (or lack there of) has on you? It's so big, mammoth even - and it plays a role in every relationship you will have for the rest of your life. It's getting easier to get a hold of as an adult - easier to put the pieces together, and see the patterns. But after so much time, so much pain - how am I to not feel resentful? I let this illusion fool me - that I am somehow above that, that I am invincible and nothing will break me. By tackling the demon, it means I have to admit that it hurts... and that I am indeed, breakable. How do I come to that place without sacrificing the role model I am trying to be for my very own daughters? How do I show my son that every human being is capable of doing anything despite their sexual orientation - when I am on the floor curled into a ball? Where do I even begin?