and away we go!

Weeks of preparation and planning - hours of decorating, baking, shopping and wrapping. All for only a day or two - a few memories to make, memories to hold on too. It's always a whirlwind, and I am always relieved to be done with it. Now, on the 28th of December I have disassembled the tree, taken down the decorations and stored it all away for another year - and I don't know if I even really let it sink in. It almost feels like Christmas didn't happen - but there is a sense of relief that it being over with brings, so somewhere deep I know it has. It's now on to the very overwhelming task of rearranging, organizing, and preparing this tiny space for the arrival of another child - another love-of-our-life. I have mastered the art of getting through.. seemingly without really processing what it is I am getting through. 33 days left... and I wonder how I have floated through the last 247? I wonder how I am going to complete the tasks ahead of me in such a short time frame. I've never had a completely devoted partner around when it came to raising a newborn - so just the thought of it makes me squirm with anticipation. It's all new, it's all completely unknown! Now, to start the races!

would you hear me if I told you? that my heart is with you now..

There is a place inside of me that I do not recognize. I find myself going there a lot lately - searching out the darkness I have seemingly ignored for the last 23 years. Perhaps its the place where everything I can't deal with goes - for it is very dark, very murky.. like thick fog. I find myself wanting to sit at the edge of it and breathe it in like life support. So many broken objects lying around - nothing I can seem to repair or make sense of. For so long I've let the business of fixing encase me - there was always something to repair, something to build up again. I've spent so much time on everything (one) else that I don't know how to fix myself anymore. I am floating outside of myself - watching the destruction, rendered unable to stop it. I foolishly let myself believe that once beat, the demons would leave me be. Somewhere amidst one of the biggest wars of my life, I forgot that life is a constant battle - there is always a hill to climb. I feel ashamed - where did I wander off too? I am stronger than this, stronger than who I've become. It's only a hill, only a challenge - when have I ever shied away from that? Somewhere along the way I forgot my willpower - forgot that despite the struggle to get up, there is always a rewarding decline. Perhaps the dark place has become so ever present to remind me of that... to remind me that it will continue to grow, if I don't start walking now.

selfish vs. selfless

By the time I was old enough to know how to care for others selflessly I was already a mother. I had already taken on the responsibility of caring, unconditionally loving, protecting and raising another human being - there was no time in between to be a selfish adult. I've never known the luxury of completely living only for myself - and having an agenda that revolves only around me. I chose to be a mother when I was still just learning how to embrace adulthood - and while choosing this, I gave up a lot of things that most 18 year old's wouldn't dream of. I gave up being selfish and I gave up living freely. Not only did my interests change, but so did my priorities. It has taken me some time to really understand that despite the best of efforts - it is truly impossible for anyone to fully understand what this kind of transformation is like and what it means, until you go through it. On the contrary, I've never been on the other end because I have been a mother for 6 years - long since anyone else I know would ever even consider taken the leap into parenthood. All I've ever been after is the understanding that I am always going to do what is best for my children - despite agendas, commitments and expectations of others. I will always make the best judgment call I can for my kids, before anyone else - including myself. That is what motherhood is, that is what it's like to live selflessly.

it just keeps getting better.

one week: butterflies, and kissing in the rain
one month: i love you.
three months: i will marry you.
six months: "daddy"
eight months: "will you marry me?"
ten months: move in together.
twelve months: surprise! we're expecting.

I wouldn't change a single thing. Forever and a day - despite the speed.

I love you more today than the first day I said it to you.

she says it's only in her head.

too dumb. don't think. not listening. don't understand.

whichever way I turn, whichever way I go with it - it's wrong. I don't know how I ever doubted where the suffocating anxiety was coming from - or the constant insecurity.

there's a 6 year old Katie, who lives within me - and currently, she has taken full control and left no residency for anyone else. and how can I not grant it to her? how can I tell her to go when she is called back constantly to defend her territory? I think it's only proper to let her find some solace, instead of traveling back and forth between persona's with not a moment's rest.

Surely, I sound crazy. I suppose by now, I must be.

present.

We can pass through days. We can live through moments. We can move along with the chaos of the events of our days. We can simply follow through with the duty of living, and not expect anything more. But when do we stop and realize what we're missing? When does it make us stop and notice everything we are just living through? I want to live it, not through it! I want to feel it - touch and taste it. I want to break down barriers with my own two hands and I want to walk the path less taken. I am worn down from the lull of the familiar - expecting things only to be let down, wanting things but holding back. I am so tired from watching my life go ahead of me, as I follow behind. I've been looking at myself in the mirror - picking myself apart, letting guilt rule.. when what I need to do is change my stride. I need to stop watching life, and start participating again.

"So I'm beginning to see some problems
With the ongoing work of my mind
And I've got myself a new mantra
It says don't forget to have a good time
Don't let the sellers of stuff power enough to rob you of your grace"

throw away your anger

I don't mean to sound ungrateful - I don't mean no harm. I'm just after something I can hold on to, something that will leave a lasting impression. I don't want you to be someone your not, and I don't want you to try and impress. I just want real, I want raw - I want the basics. I can't say I understand the act of killing something just to hold the trophy, I don't understand the need to defeat your opponents. Give me conversation without the frosting - give me company without the expectation. Tell me how it is, tell me fears, tell me triumphs. Just don't give me bullshit - and don't expect me to hold back from calling you on it. I'm not here to entertain or make you smile - but I'll be glad if who I am entertains you, or if how I entertain makes you smile. Don't ask me to be something I'm not to fit who you think I should be, and I won't ask you to fit the mold of something that everyone expected of you. We are who we are, we will grow and shrink and grow again. We will fight and talk and fuck and fight again. But if there is raw, if there is gravel road to stand on - if there is conversation without the bullshit.. it's all good. It's all gravy.

the joys.

wired. my brain is going a million miles a second - and I'm all jittery. unfortunately I am completely unmotivated to actually do anything... and the heart burn that accompanies the jitters is disgustingly painful. who would have thought after 7 months of being coffee free - one cup would do this much damage. I wonder what it will be like once the baby is here, and I relax for a bit with a cold one. end up on the floor, no doubt. it's incredible what your body goes through to reproduce - what sacrifices (and beer and coffee are HUGE sacrifices) we make to make sure the fetus has a safe and pleasant ride through. leg cramps, morning sickness, stretch marks, heart burn, weakened bladder, migraines, braxton hicks, restless nights and discomfort aside - I really do love being pregnant. There is nothing in this world like it, and I'll never experience the same pregnancy twice. 25 months pregnant, 36 hours of labour, 30 months of breastfeeding combined so far - and I wouldn't have it any other way.

by now you should have some how realized what you've got to do.

I close my eyes, I hold my cheek next to your skin - and breath you in. There is nothing quite like the smell of your skin, nothing that makes me feel safer. We are bound to fall, fail, quit, get up, dust off - and begin again. Life is too messy for anything to ever be simple - life is to good to ever stop trying. It took me some time to understand what I was doing here, and some days I'm still not sure. With all odds stacked against us, I think we've done pretty good for ourselves. I wonder if it will ever be clear - if we'll ever be able to sail smoothly without tidal waves and rocky waters. I wonder if it would even matter? Maybe that's just part of the glue that keeps us holding... maybe it's just the way it's supposed to go. I can feel the intensity of the ever changing life we lead - it holds me tight, leaves me gasping for air. It's not the first though, and it's not the last either. I know that it has no barring on what we can accomplish. I can't help feeling like I've repeated these words so many times over, phrased a little differently because my mind was working on a different angle. Maybe it's a testament, a reminder to myself of what is real... what is pure and whole. It reminds me not to forget where we came from, where we are and where we are going. It reminds me not to forget how it's shaped us, and how it will continually change us. It reminds me of the ever changing, ever strong love and commitment - it reminds me of the me who you've helped me to discover.