There is this needy 2 year old inside of me that is begging for attention. She wants to be cuddled, fed, pampered, bathed and put to sleep in a warm safe place. She is so nagging, so needy - she really quite bother's me actually. I try not to give into her too often, but sometimes that's all I need... someone to take care of me. I spend my days (and most of my nights) tending, taking care of others, preparing, tidying... sometimes all little 2 year old Katie needs is someone else to take the reigns and take care of ME. I hate feeling needy, and I especially hate relying on anyone else for that... I just don't know how to voice it. I get so lost in my own naive insecurity when it comes to asking for anything.. and I still haven't sniffed out an effective coping mechanism for it. Live and learn, so they say.

we're waiting for you

I'm still in the processing stages of the next great adventure in my life. It feels like forever away, but I know it will sneak up quickly - as time always seems to do. If there is nothing else I've learned by this point, I have learned that the only way to get through this life is to roll with the punches. As much as everyone would like us to say "oh yes, we planned this" I can't, won't - and don't care too. I have given up on planning my life around someone elses ideals, or setting expectations for myself that are impossible to attain. I'm learning to find comfort in my own rituals and decisions, instead of holding a cloud over my head because it doesn't match what somebody else might think is right or just. This next chapter of our lives is going to be a challenge, without a doubt - but it does not mean we will not flourish. Like anything in this life we will be met with obstacles and barriers - but like I have proven time and time again, we will conquer all. 9 weeks down, 31 weeks to go.

and away we go

The feeling of being wrapped inside you is a comfort I have never found before. There is a security there, that nothing else provides me with - a warmth, protection, happiness. I would always wake with a smile if every night we could fall asleep that way - legs entangled, arms folded in between one another and belly to belly. I just lay there, following the rhythm of your breathing and let it softly lull me to where ever you already are. I dream of you almost nightly, and there is something so surreal about waking up tangled into someone you were just visiting in your dreams. It's almost not real for the first few moments as I sleepily open my eyes and adjust to my surroundings. There you are, in the flesh - warm mouth awaiting my kiss, soft hands up against my belly. There is nothing sweeter than waking up beside you and holding you close. It gives me a faith in the future that I can't seem to find anywhere else. I feel swollen, and unnerved - but anxiously excited and beautiful all at the same time. We are so unbelievably crazy, sometimes it astounds me - but mostly I just love it.

nobody sings it like you

"Hour Follows Hour"

hour follows hour
like water follows water
everything is governed by the rule
of one thing leads to another
you can't really place blame
cuz blame is much to messy
some was bound to get on you
while you were tryin to put it on me
and don't fool yourself
into thinking things are simple
nobody's lying still the stories don't line up
why do you try to hold on
to what you'll never get a hold on
you wouldn't try to put the ocean
in a paper cup
cuz i have had something to prove
as long as i know theres something
that needs improvment
and you know that every time i move
i make a woman's movement
and first you decide
what you've gotta do
then you go out and do it
and maybe the most we can do
is just to see each other through it
hour follows hour like water in a river
and from one to the next
we don't know what each hour will deliver
we just call it like we see it
call it out loud as we can
and then afterwards we call it all water over the dam
maybe the moral higher ground
ain't as high as it seems
maybe we are both good people
who've done some bad things
i just hope it was okay
i know it wasn't perfect
i hope in the end we can laugh
and say it was all worth it
cuz i have had something to prove
as long as i know something
that something needs improvement
and you know that everytime i move
i make a woman's movement
and first you decide what you've gotta do
then you go out and do it
and maybe the most that we can do
is just to see each other through it
we make our own gravity to give weight to things
then things fall and they break and gravity sings
we can only hold so much is what i figure
try and keep our eye on the big picture
picture keeps getting bigger
and too much is how i love you
but too well is how i know you
and ive got nothing to prove this time
just something to show you
i guess i just wanted you to see
that it was all worth it to me


I think this song sums it up for me, I don't know what else to say. I'm really disappointed, and I'm still really angry. That's not going to change for a while, because it's just not that easy this time.

the common misconception.

Throughout life, we experience a lot of change. Every year we get older, and getting older comes with different responsibilities and different routines. As time passes on new people come and old people leave, and with the coming and going you change alongside it. You learn things about you and about the people coming and going and every person will teach you something, if you let them. What I've always had a hard time with is accepting that it isn't always under my control how my perception and routines and ideas will be warped and formed. When I start to see a problem, or a problem is presented to me about my communication or my opinions or my strategies, it is a natural defense for me to run/hide/fight. I know how destructive this is, and it takes only one time of it being pointed out to me for me to get back on the path of getting out of those habits. However, there needs to be understanding that it is a habit and a habit is something I have to take time to break. I am listening, I am trying, I am understanding - and I am always learning. I am constantly trying to find new ways to go about something that is ongoing, and can't seem to be solved. The biggest problem is that when the new strategies are met with the same reactions I fall back into my regular habits, as you have expressed is mutual. It all takes time, it all takes patience - hang in there with me, we are in for one great adventure.

Miss Sophie Isabel is TWO!

I can still remember as if it just happened yesterday - 2 years ago down to the hour, my water broke and I was convinced it was just pee. I can remember how anxious I began to feel, how nervous I was to go through labor again. It was a whole new feeling in comparison to my labor with Emma, but I knew that it would be going into this journey. I can remember feeling like it wasn't really happening - but as every contraction came the reality became clearer. I felt scared and I felt excited as I ventured closer and closer to our first meeting. I fell deep into birthing land and it was dark, but soft - and I was able to concentrate on what my body needed me to do. I had done this before, my body knew what to expect and it did so gracefully. From water break to birth it took 12 hours and 43 minutes.. it felt like a lot longer. I remember holding her for the first time, pulling her little body warm and wet onto my chest and embracing this new little human into my world. She was so sweet, so alert and ready to face the world. Two years, and here I am again wondering where the time has gone - how are we already here? So despite my ignorance towards the way time continues on regardless if I am paying attention or not - happy birth day to my wonderful, adventurous, daring, brave, intelligent, beautiful, energetic little Sophie Isabel. I love you more and more every day - thank you for teaching me everything I know about mothering two little girls. Thank you for guiding your sister into 'big sister hood' and for showing your dad the ropes of having a toddler. We cherish every moment spent with you, you are a force to be reckoned with that holds such power in her smile. We love you baby girl xoxo

and down in the texas of my heart

I woke up mid-panic attack this morning. It felt like I couldn't breath, and the world had stopped. I laid there, helpless and defeated waiting for some kind of savior; something, anything to get a grip on reality. It's a really lonely feeling and it's scary when even for only a moment you feel like it won't end and there is no solace. Of course, solace comes - in this case in the form of two pairs of small hands embracing me and holding me. I wonder if they will ever know the service they do for me, I mean truly know. It's taken me 23 years (and counting) to even have a grasp on what my mother has done for me, and who she is and the bond we have. It's such a lesson, this life - knowing and appreciating and respecting the relationships you have. Every single relationship is a gift, and you need to be careful how you hold them.

com... commu.. communi.. communica... communicate?

When there is a 'screen' in the communication, everything comes out muffled - almost impossible to decipher and understand. This only relays as the other person "not hearing" what you're saying, or a feeling of distance as if that person isn't listening. Effective communication is key to getting your opinions, feelings, and thoughts across - and once the 'screen' is there it is extremely hard to not only find what the screen is, but how to get rid of it. It often leaves a lot of destruction, and is very well known for tearing people apart. Often these 'screens' are something so simple, but so deceptive and sneaky that they are overlooked and passed off as irrelevant. It's also really hard for two people to effectively identify what the screen is, because often what one person see's as the problem the other might see as something harmless. Communicating is one of the most difficult human interactions, and in return we end up with broken relationships and unhappiness that is overwhelming. What really makes it tricky is how we have replaced face to face communication with our technological back ups. Instead of sitting down, and bringing about concerns and fears and decisions - we hide behind our phones and our computers and cuss it out. If these are things I am experiencing, I can only fear for what communication will be for my daughters when they grow up.

I can't move the mountains for you

Here is this human, who looks at me - into me, and captures me. She holds on to me, embraces everything I am without even knowing. It is a strange feeling to know I will never be alone, truly alone, ever again. Here will be these children, who will grow to teenagers, to young adults, to adults - and they will always love. My arms will always be their solace, theirs mine. I don't know how to describe the feeling that being the only comfort to someone brings to me. Sometimes, it scares me. The load that comes with having your own children - the weight that will always be on your shoulders. Knowing that no matter what there will never be another me for them, I am irreplaceable. I can't contain my love, admiration, appreciation, eagerness for their lives. And then they come to lay next to me, rest their heads on my tummy and look up and smile. Cheekily tumble over me, and each other, giggling. There is no other place I would rather be than right here with you two.

I was never one for rules

In what order do you feel this life should go? Should we go to university, get a good paying job, buy a house, meet our soul mate, get engaged, buy a new car, get married, get pregnant, have a baby - life complete? Should we hold off on exploring the world until we have a degree? Should we abort our babies because we are not married? Why have we set up these expectations of one another as if to set some sort of guidelines for life. If there is nothing else Ive learned, I know that I've learnt that there is NO road map. You cannot plan life, for it happens whether we seek some sort of control over it or not. And even so, why do we care what one another do? Why do we care how it goes, or when or why or how? We spend so much time concerning ourselves with things that do not matter because it is not our life, and we set such unrealistic guidelines and expectations up for ourselves that we are left with tremendous guilt and shame for some sort of misconceived notion of "failure". I am so tired of having looks of sympathy and remorse because my children have different fathers, and that I haven't went back to school YET, or that I am not getting married next year! I am very proud to say that I roll with the punches, because in the world we live in that is all we can do. I make my own choices, and whether or not they fit your cookie-cutter perception of how this life should go, I am smiling. We only have one shot - so why let yourself feel defeated about something you cannot change? Why let our societies ideals and schedules interfere with what YOU want to do with your life? I am happy with my life, and I hope you are too.