lay it on me

I lay in a daze, my back aches, my head drums, my heart is heavy and my soul is in agony. The alarm goes off, the child peeks around the corner to assess whether I'm up yet or not. I'm not, but she knows the drill, and crawls into bed to warm up against my body. I soak it in, wondering how many more mornings I have left before she stops this morning ritual, grows out of it. I feel scared all of the time. I stay there longer than I should, the warmth of our bodies is enough to lull me back to sleep. But the looming bus arrival ushers me out of bed, she begrudgingly shuffles off to her room to get dressed. I look over at you sleeping, and I wonder what we've become. I ache to hold onto you, but it's already 10 minutes past when I should have gotten up, and so I hurry in some clothes and out of the room. You follow me, in my head - and I wish I didn't care so much. That's why we're here, I suspect.. we just care so damn much. I go through the motions, the chaos of five small bodies eating and dressing and getting out the door in a 25 minute time frame... and before I know it, they're off and I'm alone again with my thoughts. You rise, and we dance around each other - I'm waiting for you to say something, as I suspect you are of me. So instead, we hold onto our stubborn arrogance and ignore the love of our life - just like that. It doesn't seem like much, I guess - but today turns into yesterday and Monday turned into last week and I wonder what we've become. I daydream, and I'm back to those moments in the early mornings of our love.. when I had this irrational sense of optimism, this blind faith in our passion for one another. I found you when I needed too, I left and I came back and I loved you even harder... and now, despite all of what we've worked for, how hard we fought to get where we are... we throw it all to shit, in a stubborn and destructive ideology of having it all together. So I go to sleep alone, wondering if tomorrow we will wake up from this nightmare of holding our expectations over each others head. I doze off in a daze, my back aches, my head drums, my heart is heavy and my soul is in agony.