the morning frost

it's still dark out when we rise, we eat and dress and the morning rush is upon us and hurriedly the kids run out the door and jump onto the bus and then all of a sudden it's quiet again. the silence is deafening. it could eat me alive if I let it. but I don't. slowly I go about, turning off lights and laying rest to the chaos that was present only moments ago. I want to go back to sleep, so very badly, but the dark room isn't always a safe haven and I need to do some marking. alas, the server is still down and I am locked out. I should have thought to download the files, but I didn't. how was I to know it would crash, anyways? good excuse to mindlessly peruse the interwebs and pay bills. money is such a fickle thing, just an illusion really - but the + dollars that appear on my bank app provides me with false gratification for the moment, and I'll take it because Tuesday mornings aren't my favorite. it is both validating and depressing to watch as the number on the screen get's smaller and smaller with every tap of my finger. I wonder what it feels like to never really have to worry about how much is there or if it's going to be enough. such a persuasive thing, money. if I were anybody else, I would have taken the opportunity to swim in it, but I can't fool my heart that way. the bills finally paid, I find myself restlessly attempting to log in again to start marking. no such luck, what now? suppose I should read the book, organize the office, clean, cook, what? all of the things that should be occupying my mind - and yet, I stay where I am and feel guilty instead. should should should. not feasible, not sustainable, not going to make it out alive this way. and I'm swallowing my words now, after countless conversations as I guide friends through rough patches with "the scenery is always changing". but is it? it feels incredibly stationary at the moment, and I am swarmed by the buzzing of little voices mocking me. ruthless as school yard children taunting, the voices know my weak spots and they have no mercy for my pleading today. I need to get out of these walls, but the frost on the ground is urging me back to sleep for wait of the sun to melt the cold. if only it were that simple.