strength in my resistance

Its heavy and weighted in my arms, and I do my very best to put it down, but it just begs until I pick it back up. A constant nagging to do better and fake it harder - all the while, my whole body is being dragged down by the heaviness of it all. And in the sphere of my rationale, I know it isn't as heavy as it could be, and it will be better, and I will get through it - but when the panic hits, that becomes irrelevant and I am suspended within the attacks. I have the language, the tools to express it, and I do. But it lingers, and when I'm wishing it would just pass, and you wonder why I'm so sad... I am yelling inside my head "I WANT IT TO STOP TOO!" But it isn't that easy, and I find myself often consumed by trying to make it go away. I know better, I know that if I let go and ride it out, it starts to fade. It feeds on my desire for it to go, and so it strengthens in my resistance. Rationale isn't my strong suit when I'm in full-blown anxiety though, and so I ride it and flail from it like an unsuspecting rider on a very treacherous roller coaster. And you stand by, ever ready to support and fighting the urge to be irritated. And you're not wrong in that, it's so irritating. The worst. But this is the battle in my brain - living with a mental inability to cope at all times. Today, and for the most of this past week, I am barely coping. I am breaking at the edges, and pieces of me are crumbling away. But I am here, and I'm still trying... and as long as I'm trying, it can't win. Hold tight, nobody said it was easy.