the thing about an anxious mind....

is that it's a round-the-clock job. Very little comes easily (except worrying, that is) and that can be very exhausting. Like can't-get-out-of-bed exhaustion. I know this is confusing, because my exhaustion is so easily attributed to my single-parenting of three small children. The reality is though that often I'm exhausted because my brain never rests - even when I fall asleep, I encounter chillingly realistic dreams that often scare/shock/sadden me right out of my slumber. What's worse is that I am also an incredibly trusting person - too trusting, some would say. I will give you all of my confidence and trust that you will do me no wrong (until of course, you do, and then I am overly forgiving in nature which adds up to a whole world of trouble). The trouble with being a trusting anxious person is that it's a weak spot in my brain, and it's easily prayed upon by the anxiety demons who will, for no apparent reason, stick horribly intrusive and frightening scenarios in my head that make me question that trust. Are you where you say you are? Why didn't you call? Is there something else going on? ... and more often than not, I can calm that way of thinking. I have learned to talk myself out of the downward spiral that is doubt. But do you know what comes after that? Worry. I start wondering if you were hit by a car on your way home, and your body is laying mangled on the road. I start envisioning awful scenarios that are dark and often horrifying and they get stuck in my minds eye. All of the bad things that could have happened to you..  and then of course the worry that no one would contact me first because I'm not next of kin and and and... it can literally paralyze me. And because I've been managing this for as long as I can remember, I am fairly skilled at even coming out of that phase through self talk and meditation. This paralyzing worry and fear and stress. I know the cues and can typically find a quiet spot in my head to regroup and dump enough "reason" into the mix that I silence the worry and the doubt and the fear. However, what usually follows is anger. frustration. disappointment. Because I rely very heavily on you to help me. I rely on a quick text saying "at home, going to sleep" or even a call letting me know what's going on. I don't want explanations - not usually, at least. I may ask for them - but it's often in the absence of basic communication. And so I get angry - because I am now so exhausted from this merry-go-round that I feel like crying uncontrollably and resuming fetal position. Do you know what's even worse? Being a proud and strong willed anxious person. Can you even imagine how hard it is to lay this all out and say "I need this from you". Do you know how often I feel that expectation of just "turning it off" like my anxiety is something I can just stop doing? Mental struggles are so horrifyingly stigmatized, that if you don't know me well, you don't even know this about me. So when I am all of a sudden off the wall because you didn't take the five seconds to send me a quick text giving me the run down, it can sometimes be the difference between me getting out of bed or not. Ridiculous, right? Trust me, I know. Because after all of that mental brain fucking - you know what comes next? Self-doubt. Talking myself down, like I'm lying to myself. Things like "you're not really an anxious person, you just want attention" and "why are you trying to control him/her" or "this is why none of your relationships last... because you're crazy" ..... THATS how my brain rewards me. So if you ever question why I'm angry or disappointed or frustrated for seemingly no reason... use this as your platform. Remember that when I say "I just need to know what's going on" means... give me something that will help to aid in this process so I don't spiral. Maybe it's asking a lot - I can't decide that though. This is me, and these are some of the things that I need as an individual to maintain a relationship with someone. I need support. I need heads up. I need small texts of reminders/prompts/details. And no, I don't want to have to explain all of this - but I am strong enough now to recognize the importance of communication. The thing about an anxious mind? It's also a really loving and empathetic one, that wants to give to you all that it can - it just needs some help along the way.

strength in my resistance

Its heavy and weighted in my arms, and I do my very best to put it down, but it just begs until I pick it back up. A constant nagging to do better and fake it harder - all the while, my whole body is being dragged down by the heaviness of it all. And in the sphere of my rationale, I know it isn't as heavy as it could be, and it will be better, and I will get through it - but when the panic hits, that becomes irrelevant and I am suspended within the attacks. I have the language, the tools to express it, and I do. But it lingers, and when I'm wishing it would just pass, and you wonder why I'm so sad... I am yelling inside my head "I WANT IT TO STOP TOO!" But it isn't that easy, and I find myself often consumed by trying to make it go away. I know better, I know that if I let go and ride it out, it starts to fade. It feeds on my desire for it to go, and so it strengthens in my resistance. Rationale isn't my strong suit when I'm in full-blown anxiety though, and so I ride it and flail from it like an unsuspecting rider on a very treacherous roller coaster. And you stand by, ever ready to support and fighting the urge to be irritated. And you're not wrong in that, it's so irritating. The worst. But this is the battle in my brain - living with a mental inability to cope at all times. Today, and for the most of this past week, I am barely coping. I am breaking at the edges, and pieces of me are crumbling away. But I am here, and I'm still trying... and as long as I'm trying, it can't win. Hold tight, nobody said it was easy.