it's the reminder that they are a forever kind-of-deal

Sometimes, relief takes such a strange face. In the midst of papers due, presentations having to be organized, birthdays being planned, activities being fulfilled - I often wonder how I have any time for much else. It's certainly no wonder I feel so tense about anything outside of my robotic duties. And then, I have a revelation, a moment of clarity. I realize that nothing is as bad as it seems when I'm in the dark - I only need but a minute or two of light to find the way and feel at peace. Maybe it's another phase, another "let's be friends" moment that will be snatched away as quickly as the times before. Always seeing the best in everything, and letting that shadow the worst - maybe I will be the fool again. That's not to say I'm not secretly certain I will be squandered once again - but the little glimpse of hope that passes through my peripherals are enough to keep me going. It doesn't have to be this bad, and why should it? I know I've made mistakes, but please forgive me for I am still learning. One day at a time.

we're dancing in riddles on top of dead dreams

tap tap tap. backspace. delete delete delete. Nothing comes out right, and I'm lost for words over and over. Instead of letting it flow, I start to compartmentalize the emotions that range over a vast scale of feelings. I categorize and deconstruct it, as if somehow naming each and every part will help me get rid of the feeling. The reality is that there are no names, because I've not even given faces to them. I'm storing them before I've even had a chance to find the root cause. And then there's the added difficulty of not always having a root cause, not being able to trace it back to some specific time and place. Sometimes, they are just feelings and they can't be named. I'm scared of those spaces that force me to feel it, and so I strategize my moves so that I'm not ever face to face with them. Highly problematic, and almost impossible. I can avoid it temporarily - but I'm no good at lying, and even worse at hiding. Eventually, I find myself here - and it's time to feel it. This is it - in all it's ugly preface... January is dark and cold, and I am sad. Forgive me.