love the life you live

A whirlwind. I look around me and I think "this is love". Spending so much time in the past feeling marginalized, I am finally coming through the fog of how I have stigmatized myself. Single is a word that leaves the taste of blood on my tongue, as if there is no value in doing anything alone. In reality, singlehood has taught me to be a better partner. Spending three years alone, has shown me what I value and what I demand. It has taught me more about communication, trust, and honesty, then any relationship I've had in my life. A community has surrounded us in the last three years and worked with me to raise three incredible small humans. While I take on the brunt of the long nights, the big decisions, and the heartbreak and tears of life events I cannot control; the love that encompasses our little universe is unwavering. That support and commitment let me find my way, leaving room for error when I lost my way So many wrong turns and mistakes made - and as always, I am still learning. This time, though... well, this time I am okay with messing up. I have found peace with my quick defense, my insecurities, my fears. I have found confidence in my self worth - and I know that we earned this. The days have been long, the year short - and I am walking quick-smart into the next. Fearless, boundless, and ready for the next adventure. Don't forget to breathe.

and I told you all about these things, I got a scraped up knee and I can't shake the sting

Today, as we drove, you came up in a story I was telling. It set me back to speak your name, and I paused as I anticipated questioning about where you were and when you'd be back again. Instead, I was met with confusion. When Emma asked me "who is that again?" ... my heart broke a little. How can I be living a life where they can't remember you? How did that happen? Your ghost still lingers here, and perhaps that's the way it will forever be. But this time of year never creeps up without you trailing far behind. I hear you're coming to town, hear you went over the ocean to see new things. I find comfort knowing that you're out living, despite that you told me I'd ruined that for you. I couldn't bring myself to go into great detail who you are, and instead let them forget... what else was I to do? You and I both know, we can never go back... the damage is done, the cards have been laid - it's time we all moved on.

I hear you're smiling again, and after it all - that's enough.

the bags under my eyes

At first, it stung - like you intended. I was angry, I was hurt, I was defeated... if only momentarily. But it's true, the bags under my eyes are ever present, giving the external world some insight into how tiring my life can be. The wrinkles on my forehead grow deeper and deeper each year, carving lines into my face that show my journey like rivers carving through the earth. Like the lines that pass over my body, showing where I stretched to grow life. My body has changed, just as my life has. It shows of the long nights of being the only adult present to wake with a sick child, or to bring comfort after a nightmare. It shows of loss and pain, of the hardships we endure together and those that I must fight on my own so that my children do not feel the sting. It shows of the loves lost, and the battles won, and time spent healing the wounds. The external gaze is consistent and prominent, and that's okay with me. Assumptions and accusations are alright - it means I've given you reason to care. The truth is, though my body has shifted, molded to the life I've worked tirelessly to give to my children, I am no worse for wear. If anything, I have grown and strengthened... gained wisdom from my life course. So what you see on the outside is just a snapshot of the long nights, and the short days spent together, and the memories we will never forget. You're right, the bags under my eyes are visible - but the life we love to live will always be ours, and marks on my face are a small price to pay for that.

"I've got highways for stretchmarks, see where I've grown"

you can still be who said you were

Pick it up, and start again. I mark it as a time for grief and growth, though it will always pain me some. I want to be angry that who you said you were was an illusion, and cry for the loss of a life my son should have had. Then I shake my head, and realize I am giving him the life he should have. I am giving it to all three of them, and I know we are lucky. It's been a long, difficult journey. The sadness is just around the corner, but now... it's the corner behind us. We have to make a conscious effort to turn around, and walk against the current to get to that place. It's only a short walk, but it's taken years to get away from. One foot in front of the other, taking it all in. Look around, how far we've come - isn't that something to be proud of? Pain is an important part of growth, it forces us out of our comfort (despite how detrimental that comfort is) and makes us choose. Look around you! Is this what you want? Are you happy? Are you settling? Shift, roll with the punches... but more importantly - punch back! Set your mind for what you want, and then work your ass off.... every.single.day to get it, and maintain it. Do not accept the love you deserve ... love yourself, and know your worth. Three long years, an uphill battle... but here I am, at the top, after all that climbing - and I'm sure I've earned this. It's scary as hell, that three years later, here I am starting it all over again - everything on the line. This time, though, I know that no matter what happens - the four of us can and will survive on our own. This time, I know my worth.... don't forget to breathe.