life is just too short ; boxes

at times I like to walk in circles, it puts my mind at ease.

I like to go through things aware and do just as I please.

I know it could be easier, I could follow like a dog..

but I prefer to find the fresher air then to remain dazed in the fog.

Life is just too short, you see? and we have no time to spare.

I want to live life as it comes, be present, and aware.

I can sympathize with your delusions of regulated time,

but I cannot follow blindly without reason and without rhyme.

I want to see laughter, to hear love and to feel no shame...

but I  refuse to stay in the box and play your stupid games.

Do not try to keep me grounded, and instead please let me fly,

for I have no more time then you and I want to know why...

why your angry, why your mean, and why you hold it against me

that I would rather be a bird and soar, to spread my wings and be free.

You may say "foolish girl, we are all trapped here" and you may be right..

but I will not stand down and give up on the fight.

Life is just too short, you see... and I will carry on this way

it's not to late, there's always time... you can begin right now, today.

let it go, let it lie, and know that love is all around

you just have to stop looking for it, and know that it surrounds.

Unpacking

How does one find a home when their bags are always packed and ready for a quick and swift exit? It doesn't bode well, and I am learning the hard way that it's time. Perhaps it's more then just a routine - more then just a spot within me reserved for the unfortunate moments that have come and gone. But it's time, none the less. It is not a process in which I can graduate from and leave behind - the unpacking and healing is a life long journey. One, might I add, that should be thoroughly examined at every pit stop. This heart and head change, and grow, and falter, and break and mend. It is ever-processing, and I need to stop treating this as if it were something I had achieved long ago. You do not simply 'get over it'... but instead, you build a spot for it within yourself and find a way to cope through it and eventually embrace that part of you. The latter is a challenging task, but it comes in time (or so I am told). Wisdom is something that comes from letting go of everything you think you know - and letting your senses guide you. It is time to open up the suit cases, go through all the boxes, and unpack this heart and this head. Slowly, over time, and with patience and understanding. One foot in front of the other - k.

I'd been bluffing here for years, and now I think it's time I showed my hand..

As prepared as I can be, I will step out once again. I will hold on to my faith and trust my feet to move on command. So simple, so routine. Here I am, small like a child and fearful of nothing you can hold in your hands. I've adopted a way of dealin that maybe isn't so easy to see. I will face the days coming which give me over to the fear that holds me captive. Surely, after all this time, it'll be easier this round? Still I find everything shaken around me, like an earthquake hit and I missed it somehow. Now I'm just running around, picking up the pieces and putting up my best defenses. Do you still want inside this head? So many dark corners, so many boxes better left untouched. If you let me cry, let me break, and hold on to my hand as it sweats and I breath quickly and short - please know you are much stronger then me, but my demons know all to well how easy it is to get me when I am low. So low as I am, as scared as you will find me - I somehow find my way through it each time. Now I am never ready, never actually prepared - but that can't stop me, and it won't. Shame is fluid, and I know better now. I'm keeping my rights, I'm keeping my fears - and one day, when it's time, I'll let it all go. But for now, for today - the fear holds me, and I listen to the words of music that hold me tight and rock me gently to sleep.