the wine bottle is half empty, the money is all spent...

The dark damp layer settles on me, and out come the demons to play.
Change of season is always a test for me, as it's been so many times
before. If you can last through a year of the changes, you have found
yourself a place here. I have spent hundreds of hours putting work in to
the person I am today - effort and dedication, all of which becomes
apparent when I take a walk down the road to yesteryear. I have to make
mistakes in order to learn, it's all trial and error. But the season is
changing, and the rain is coming down... and it's not in my power to
change any of it. You say it will all be okay, and despite my stubborn
disposition, I know you are right. Let it come down like pouring rain,
let it blow me away like the storm winds - it's nothing I haven't
conquered times before now. If you can make it through my storms, the
rain surely will be welcomed.

never test the limits and don't play with fire...

There was a moment there, albeit brief, that I started to worry. The anxiety and nervousness began creeping in....

and then I looked around at my life and said "fuck that, I can do anything!"

:) thankful.

I am not a good mother.

I am a constant mother.

I am a never-have-a-day-off mother.

I am a 'sometimes too tired to even make dinner' mother.

I am a cry at bedtime because the day had so many challenges and I fell a few times mother.

I am a try my hardest to communicate with children who some days can't hear a word mother.

I am a yelling at the top of my lungs so all three of them are simultaneously quiet for five seconds mother.

I am a wear my heart on my sleeve mother.

I am a no rules about couch jumping mother.

I am a change of plans in a matter of seconds mother.

I am a 'give everything I've got' mother.

I am a selfless mother.

I am not a good mother, I am their only mother. Some days I am bang on, and sometimes I miss target. I try my hardest most days, and some days I surrender to the hurdles and wars. I am doing the best I can with what I've got - and I love them with all of my being. I am not a good mother, but I am a committed, loving, caring one.

Forgive yourself, and go easy... for we are all fighting the same battles <3 br="">

late morning thoughts

It's so easy to forget. So easy to just let it be swept away with the streaming water down the roads as the snow melts as does my pain. The thing is, I have learned that if it is easy then there's something missing. It isn't supposed to be easy, it isn't supposed to be handed. To maintain the kind of comfort and happiness that lasts, takes work and dedication. It takes commitment and trust, and most of all it takes communication and honesty. I realize now that all of my intimate, and most of my personal relationships, didn't contain all of those aspects. There is good reason the people from my past who are still here with me now made it this far, and I cherish those connections - I would go to the ends of the earth for those bonds. I don't have to tell you to love me, because if you are one of those people I know that you do. I don't have to fight to keep you here, you are here now because of all the battles already won. The people who have trickled in through the cracks in the walls I built so high, are the ones who have given me reason to work. I am exhausted and I am overwhelmed, but that is just a part of right now. I am loved and I am lucky - and that is something I will always have, and I am thankful. Bring on the good vibes, and they will always be reciprocated. It get's easier, and then harder again, and then maybe a somewhere in between the hard and the easy... it's always changing. I welcome the change, for it is the only constant.

letting it go.

every year, every holiday - I take on the duty of enforcing card making, gift buying or creating. I assume the responsibility a parent should to help accommodate the child`s role in the other parents life. This year, without realizing, I forgot. If I hadn't by chance been reminded, I likely wouldn't have remembered. This is the obvious result of putting someone last, every time. By working so hard to convince everyone around you that you are doing the work but not actually doing anything at all. This is the result of working my fucking ass off to keep a relationship maintained because I was certain that in the end, it would be civil.... and being wrong in doing so. I make a helluva lot of mistakes, and every damn day I am still learning - but that's the difference, I am learning. I am devoted to never going back to where I've been. I am forgiving myself for not wanting to be alone forever, and accepting that while all this time is spent convincing others how terrible of a person I am... the people who are here, who are involved, don't need convincing of anything. So this year, I forgot - and maybe I won't ever remember again. Maybe, that is what I needed to show myself that while I spent all this time trying to keep it together... I had someone following closely behind ripping it all to pieces. That it is OK to have this terrible past of lies and deceit and abuse and pain - and that it doesn't define or shape who I am now, or what I deserve. And forgetting to take time out of my life to make a card for someone who would never have dreamed of doing the same, is okay. It's all part of the healing process, of letting it go.

gone

go easy on yourself

Something as simple as a poor judgement, can reshape every value you had ever formed. The map of the mind is a tricky place, and we continue the journey every day trying to understand signs written in a foreign language. It's just as soon as we learn the script that the roads change direction and the language along with it. You learn quickly to forgo the bypasses, for you will only find yourself back at the beginning if you try and skip parts of the road. And nobody said it would be easy, did they? The idea that we are all responsible for our own is a daunting image in the minds eye, and yet we are so quick to be defensive when that position is challenged. Wouldn't it be nice, to have it all handed down? Would you take the opportunity? Would you still be the person you have developed into up until now? The thing is, all parts of our journey (whether it be the scars and bruises or the successes and rewards) work in partnership. Every fork in the road helps form your perception of what's happening around you, and although it is difficult not to look back on those forks and question if what you chose was right - you learn deep in your heart that it took that turn to get you to where you are going next. The roads are just a figment of our imagination, and the really path is where ever we put our feet down and choose to take the next step. This can be tricky when you find yourself going around repeatedly in circles... but you will learn to stop, reevaluate, and change direction. The temptation of regret can be strong, but I have learned from the circles and the retracing steps that it led me to where I am now... and the lesson can be so great if you open your heart to it. So I will stop, and look around - and appreciate the beauty of the day, the love in my heart and the smiles on the faces that mean the world to me. I will remember that though many many MANY mistakes have been made, I'm still learning, will always be learning - and there's still many journeys to be had.