ebb and flow

You can never make everyone else happy, though we all know I try. Constantly sorting through masses of chaos to try and keep everyone somewhat content. Failing, because it's not enough when it isn't really happiness.... Mediocre attempts at a smile, vague attempts at staying on both feet. We all know most of the time I'm falling, but at least I do it gracefully. I can't clean up the mess, but I am okay with it so long as it's organized. Organized chaos, and it's not good but it's enough. I keep hoping that maybe one day I'll make it up, one day what I'm doing will be enough.. but living in a fantasy is never good for the soul. So I do what I can do appease my heart, and hope that someday I can make it up to you. 

our minds are troubled by the emptiness.

And it happened almost suddenly, without warning. This acceptance of how hard this is going to be. I guess I knew somewhere deep within me that it was a solo journey all along. I keep saying it aloud, hoping that will cement it. It didn't though, and I was still somewhere thinking that it didn't have to be this way. I can't let anyone in, these walls really are too high. It's not even admirable to try anymore, I just look foolish flopping around struggling with my own indecision. It's high time I put my head into war mode and just march on, without hesitating to see if you can catch up. It's too far gone, it's too hard to tackle me down and keep me stationary. I won't believe for a moment that I never tried, that I never cared - for only I can know the ways of my mind and my heart. Only a fool can believe they know one better then they know themselves. I am content to understand that in all fairness, I know practically nothing. But I am eager to learn, I am excited to know a new way, I am anticipating a lot of walking. I learned a long time ago that if it's handed to me, I will take it for granted. I need to work, I need to pour my heart and my time and my blood and my sweat in to feel like I've earned it. Call me stubborn, I won't argue. Call me fierce, I'd be honored. Call me hard to hold, I know it all too well. "Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are done.. setting fire to our insides for fun... collecting pictures from a flood that wrecked our home. it was a flood that wrecked this."

maybe this year will be better then the last

There is so much that will hold us back if we let it. It's been a year as hard as any other, but I am looking to the rewards and holding on to the good stuff. Saying goodbye, welcoming new beautiful life, wounds turning to scars, picking scabs, climbing mountains and falling down but getting up... and I'm reminding myself to hold on to these moments as they pass <3 br="">

let it rest.

I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed.
Get along with the voices inside of my head.
You're trying to save me? Stop holding your breath.
You think I'm crazy, yeah you think I'm crazy...
Well that's nothing.

and you said that these mountains that I choose to climb will hold the rewards of so much more. These mountains that weigh me and level me - they are my choice, and I am scaling them. A little faith in my judgement would go so far. Trust that I have learned, and am learning, and I am doing my best to get by. It's all water under the bridge - so let it rest. The ice is forming and it's time to cold now to fight it anymore.