seven hundred and thirty

it snuck up on me without warning, and suddenly the sadness made sense. I suppose it will always be hard, this time of year. I hit replay, like I can maybe somehow come up with an answer for why it went so wrong this time - and every time, I come to the same place. I thought I'd blame myself forever, and maybe in some ways I always will, but I know well that you can't love when you don't love yourself. I was so busy fixing, that I lost sight of me. I remember a time when I believed it, when hearing the word "selfish" felt like a true definition of what I am. It doesn't take a genius to look around and see the actions of my selflessness. It doesn't take a genius to know that sometimes, I need to put me first too. Two long years, and the days didn't go by quickly. Though I stand here now, and see all that I have done, all that you said I'd never be able to accomplish without you. It must kill you, it must drive you mad - and deep down, I'm glad. I have never been, and never will be, any of the things you said I was. I will never sacrifice who I am to please somebody else. This has been the hardest lesson to learn, and everyday I am still learning - but I know my worth, and I know what I am capable of. You ain't seen nothin' yet.

every painful ending is the mark of a new beginning

It carpets the world around me, it speaks of new beginnings. I search for something more to hold on to, and I wait for a moment in time that leaves me feeling this alive. It would be so much more if I could tell you what it means, what it does to me - but words aren't enough, and I am silent anyways. The changing of the world around me has me searching for just a little bit more. My standards are higher, my heart is stronger, my mind is made up. "When you fall in the winter, that's when I'll believe it" ... and so will that tell all? You always know me best, no bullshit. I am wavering between the war within and the war without and I am hoping that despite my flaws, it's still visible. I am still fighting, and I am still working - and sometimes, I just wish for it to be a little easier. The world is white, and I am ready.

creativity

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me? I don't even have words - all I can say is, shit is getting fancy! If you don't know what a Succubus is (it's the definition of me) ... buut just in case you need the actual definition


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Succubus

Speaks for itself :)

I am folded and unfolding and unfolded

If I could find the words, it still wouldn't be enough. It's always changing, moving - so even the words I capture and regurgitate for the sake of clarification are constantly up for debate. The words don't fit even now, because the mood changes and I have something more to say about the next thought and I can never keep up. I am fine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UeehlhaMs50

I took my love, and I took it down.

In those few moments of naive intervention, I feel jealousy and anger and hatred and confusion. It washes over me so quickly and I realize I'm just not where I ought to be. Words have always been so easy for me, flowing effortlessly. It takes so much more time then I'm willing to put in to move past the hurdles that have slowed me down. I made no promises, and I never told a lie - I believe everything I say. But life changes, and so do people - and if I knew the consequences of actions taken upon me, I wouldn't say so many words before hand. That's not the way it works, and you can never know what's to come - all you can do is live in the moment, say what you feel and live honestly. I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. Time changes us all, and I'll never be the person I was yesterday because I faced different obstacles yesterday than I will today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NsLykJ17Oxc

passive agressive.

... nothing make's them angrier than being happy. unhappy people HATE that - they hate to see you doing well, to be smiling even though life is rough, to be getting by when everyone thought you'd fail. It kills people who can't be happy with themselves, to see you happy. I don't even think life is going okay - but I know if it's not right not, it will be. I know that even though it's hard, we'll make it - and we'll be better off because we know how to pick up the pieces of a heartbreak. My children will be stronger for knowing that life isn't easy, that it takes work, and that you have to fight to make it through. They will ask, and they will search for answers - and I will be proud knowing I raised kids who think for themselves, who look for the answers to their questions, and who can think critically about what they are told. The answers are never in the words, they are in the actions - and you can't believe what you don't see. My head is held as fucking high as it can be, and I won't ever let the hate and the anger and the resentment bring me down a single notch again. I love me, and I love them - and we'll be fine, if not better.

jump ship and swim, that the ocean will hold me.. that theres got to be more than this boat I'm in.

I look around and think, this has got to be enough. This is the reality - this is what you've got to work with, so work with it! Constantly waging wars against the wanting. The ongoing dialogue that I work against to chase out the demons sometimes drives me insane, and I hide in the dark and listen to the sounds of songs that drown the noise. It's something above and beyond the level of understanding I hold for the way my brain works. I am left out of the realm of understanding - so again I am left to work with what I've got. The ever present acknowledgment that only I can climb this mountain. My nails are bitten down to the skin, my hair is falling out, my body is sore and my mind is tired - but if I stop, everything stops. Tell me how, I'll ask how come. I won't let it shape me, I won't hold on to the pain - I stay close to the brook on this journey, so I can put the negative energy on a log and send it down the mountain and back to where I started. I'm working, and it's with what's in my reach. Now that I'm on the outside, I can see all the beauty of something more.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5Or6-HOveg

Help, I'm alive

It's the hardest, when you think you have it under control - and you don't. I've got my mind made up, and I'm not going backwards again - and I'm sorry it didn't work like we had planned. It never does, though. Expect the unexpected and you can't be disappointed, and if you`re going to fall without a safety net... don't act so shocked when you hit the ground, shivering and stunned. I can't change the tides, though you know I've tried... or maybe that's it, you don't know that I've tried.Time changes everything, and life will surprise you continuously if you let it. I want to say I'd change it if I could, but the truth is I wouldn't - we're here for a reason, and if I've learned nothing else.. I've learned that I cannot force change against gravity. https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWNfumxLgITbRuED1mhKVhNAR6U35sEzcQwQA7gFhPmRB1Cl6nlCb7ucIXHTswQ64bknlKyHKnY0jFie-DZLTHBQmEGBb5Aq5lP6p_ltLarW1BdMmeJY0M91-3IylbSvJkmB52rL3uQR0/s1600/18sametime.jpg