out of my head

I wake up in a cold sweat, I panic, I can't figure out where I am. But I'm here, I'm always here... I'm just outside the realm of my normalcy. Like a bloody 1000ft wall... I stand on the outside, looking at what I've built. I crafted it so high and so tall, that not even I can get in now. I'm endeared, it's quite sweet - but you're wrong about me, and sooner or later you'll have to face that won't you? I'm out of my mind. Don't be fooled by the motions, by the smile on my face, by the life I lead - it will kill me, in the end, be sure. It's some terribly tragic tale of what could of been, and what should have been. It's out of my hands, I'll say... what's done is done. Truth is, I just can't. As soon as I've found myself at the starting line... to fight against the elements for what "should be" ... I just give up. The anxiety of the battle to come is too high, the stakes are too high, the probability of my fate is just too damn high. And I'm out here anyways, side by side - looking in and wondering what the actual fuck happened? How did that wall get so high? and how the hell am I going to get back inside?

For you are fearfully and wonderfully made

You left an impression on me, the day your parents drove up behind me and told me you were coming. I went to bed that night, tears in my eyes, fear and joy and love and excitement all deep within my heart. I watched you grow from the outside, as your mother's belly swelled and you moved around within the cocoon she had help grow just for you. I sat in amazement as this women I have shared every part of myself with started down the journey I have been walking for so long now (with her at my side, all the while). I was graced with her insight, her intuition, her fear, her love, her doubts, her dreams. She amazed me at every turn, and I began to realize that you were the source of this new part of a women I thought was already perfectly complete. I wanted so badly to be everything for your mom, that she has been for me - an impossible feat. Regardless of that, when the decision came that you were coming.. time froze. I was paralyzed by a feeling I didn't know could even resonate within me, a anxiousness I didn't know possible. I wanted to compare it to the feeling I had when my own children entered this world, but it was somehow different. This feeling came from somewhere else within me, and it held me... it still holds me. I sat, like all the rest, and waited... helpless. And so were your parents, for mother nature had plans unknown to us. And then after a day of restless and helpless pacing... your dad walked through those intimidating doors and with a look I'd never seen on his face before that moment, told us of your arrival. And I wept, and he wept, and everyone surrounding us wept as well. I went home, knowing that you had just changed the world of so many - including mine. I loved you long before I knew you, little boy. I will love you long after you are gone - and when I held you in my arms for the first time, I was overcome with the feeling of profound admiration. For your strength, and for your parents. I will do everything I can for you, at any moment for any length of time - I promise to love you, and protect you, and guide you and help you. I promise to be the person for you that your mother has been for your cousins (who love you more than I thought possible). Welcome to the world, child. We've been waiting for you <3 nbsp="" p="">
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmi3Dk1YAFI

the room is spinning now, darlin'

This black line, flashing at me... reminding me that more words are needed. more attention is required. more of me is never enough. I am overwhelmed and held down by the anxiety of the longing. Why can't it just be something I don't have to hope for? Should I have to ask? This isn't supposed to be done alone. This isn't how it's supposed to go. Always wanting more, always expecting nothing. I'm never disappointed that way. Except when I am, like now, when my mind needs to stay focused on the task at hand.... the black line blinks and reminds me there are words needed else where. It's due tomorrow, stop changing your focus, stop obsessing. You can't change them, not one single man. You can't change the tides... so focus, regain composure... focus.

you decide to be alone.

It could be so easy, if there were a way to switch it off. After a whole life time of looking for ways to numb it... shut it down - I have come to terms with my inability to do either. So I will listen to songs that make my heart ache and feel it all as it comes, and for once in my fucking life trust my gut and go with what feels right... not what everyone expects of me. Here goes...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SB4X1XLiO6g

there is no saving the sinking ship.

Like clockwork, October comes and the wind is deep and chills me to the center - the sadness wipes me clean. Erases everything I had worked so hard to maintain... and I'm back to square one. It won't seem so strange anymore, to watch me struggle. I find reason inside that tells me I have so much to be thankful for, so much to be happy about... it never wins over anxiety. I love my life so much and I know how much harder it could be - but that doesn't make how hard it IS any easier to cope with. I fight against the tide, and hope for the best. October is usually the start of my defeat, and the leaves fall around me and I am yearning. If you could fall in and out over and over and never fall so hard you broke, I wonder if you would. I wonder what the thrill holds, that the security does not. I wonder a lot these days, about this and that and what if and what not. It's only the start of something terrible, once my head gets wrapped up in those. The whatifs and whatnots and howcomes and maybes. Some time far from now, I will look back at the cold and think "it never lasts" .... my body is a waste land of emotions, and I am an open sore.