pits

A grey has taken over, and the day seems bleak. Nothing I am doing feels real, my head is somewhere else. Forced into circumstance, despite my best intention to be blinded to the bad. I hope that one day it will stop feeling like it's my fault. I hope one day I will look back and see this for what it really is - instead of holding on to a guilt for something that was never mine to start with. It can only go up from the bottom.

thrice

I blocked the pain, held strong to my decision. No matter how much it hurts, going backwards will hurt more. I can remember a time when three years felt like a life time, and now it feels like days or even minutes past. How can so much go wrong? When you begin on ground that is already forming into a volcano, it's bound to blow. Yet here I am, still wondering if I could have done more. I pushed myself every single day to the max, out of my every discomfort and anxiety to accommodate someone who wouldn't ever consider doing the same for me. But here I am, still wondering and letting the guilt override. Three years. I wonder how long I could have held it together if it didn't reach that dreadful moment? Wondering gets me nowhere more than here, and only causes me more pain. I think I have severely underestimated my pain threshold,I for if you'd asked me if this was too much I'm sure I would have said yes. Each day is a battle, each moment is a trial. The hardest part is, I'm missing so much for lack of ability to do anything but truck on forward. Can't win for losing.

wolves

I'll spend some time trying to find my way, because I deserve that much. I'll do some work to ensure that I can find happiness within, I have been through enough to realize it's importance. I will follow no one's agenda, but my own. If you can't follow my flow, and you can't swim - you best step aside, because you will only be pulled in by the current. I don't owe anyone, anything. I have done so much, in such a small amount of time, for people who wouldn't do the same for me - I will not feel guilt. I know I have done more than my fair share, have swam against the current and fought through regardless - because I was always determined to please. I'm done pleasing, and I will not fall under the microscope to be evaluated. I have never been first, and this time? I'm leading the pack.