I've learned to live, half alive

What if I told you I could be what you wanted? If I was the person you had fantasized I would turn out to be? What good would come from the death of a person I worked so hard to be... a person who just isn't what you want (or need, or hope for) What if we could stop time and go back to a time when we both believed in the love we found in such a dark place? What if you had cherished my heart, instead of left it in the puddle in which it now permanently resides?

What if's won't change what is. I can't get back something I never had to begin with..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v_4O44sfjM&ob=av3e

fool.

talk is cheap. like a fool, I am pulled under by the current and held there without hope. I want to be proven wrong.. want so badly to look back and wonder why I ever doubted it. but like a fool, I let the words soothe my broken mind. I let it swallow me, encase me - render me helpless to the love I believe you once held. Im so full of misery, it feels like I really am drowning. any false hopes just sends me spiraling - so how do I stop the false hopes from rolling in without cutting you out, altogether? You'll keep me here, suspended in thin air. I can't breathe, I can't sleep, eat, think. So many cant's that I wonder what I can. I miss the sun, the force it puts behind me - the strength it gives me, the reminder that there will be better days than this. My mind is so full, my heart is so sore - and like a fool, I take the sharp sting of temporary hope.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8MJio3s2wFI&list=FLoxe3Yc5_jovNxeQ9nA1oDA&index=3&feature=plpp_video

tick tock

all-consuming grief. It doesn't take much of anything at all and the tears are streaming down. How to explain to innocent little souls that I am not as broken as I seem, that one day this will merely be a memory? I find myself engulfed in a fog and I can't seem to make my way to a clearing... nothing makes sense, nothing equals up. I'm just lost, wandering. I try to tell myself that they are resilient - that this won't phase them in the grand scheme.. I'm not very good at convincing myself. I'm not very good at convincing anyone, it seems. Delusional, unstable, ready-made disaster. all-consuming grief.