An open letter to the other parent

Being a single parent is hard. That's not to say that being a parent in any form isn't hard, but there are specific aspects of parenting that are especially tricky to navigate solo. They have been hashed out and rung out over and over again, with the debate always coming down to how hard parenting is regardless of who you are (or aren't) doing it with. However, one part of the debate we often shy away from is how to navigate your relationship with the other parent once you are separated. Seeing eye to eye on how to raise a child can be really tricky even in the best of circumstances - some parts are a breeze, and you both agree that encouraging your child to keep at soccer/gymnastics/swimming is simple... or that you take turns every week on who goes to activities. On the contrary, there are the muddier spaces of negotiation. This includes what you value in regards to care and well being, and finding a space for understanding when the other parent does not share those values. This is greatly simplified when there is a level of respect and courtesy to one another - but what happens when that is absent from the relationship? The reality is, when you chose to have a child together, you signed up for a life time of being in each others lives (whether you like it, or not). And it gets ugly, fast. Especially when it gets so muddy, that you stop being able to even rationalize seeing anything from the other parents point of view. Now I say this because, I have been there. I have been so caught up in my anger and depression and hurt - that I stood my ground and left no room for negotiation... because I was, simply put, done. So instead of moving forward, we moved backwards - rapidly, and in the wrong direction. When it came time for me to make peace with my demons, and allow for healing and growth to take place - I found myself starting from a really difficult position. And in that space, so much can get lost, and we can forget the important things. The most important thing being, the relationship with your child. So when those hard truths come about, what are we to do with them? We all have our own experiences, and from those we have our own story. Our story is our own, and how we feel about what has happened (and even how we remember what has happened) is something unique to us. Those hard truths are also going to be unique to us - and how we choose to move forward with them is going to shape how we inevitably carry forth our relationship with the other parent. The reality is though, that when the relationship with the other parent is strained.. our ability to parent our children solo is even harder. We all second-guess ourselves, and question our choices and actions... we are inherently formatted to feel guilt. The responsibility of raising a child is not one we take lightly, even if we are easy-going and relaxed about parenting from the get-go. So if we then complicate that already difficult field of emotion by, (for whatever reason), removing  the input of the other parent, we are left to navigate it solo. The point is - when you're caught up in your story and you are unable to find a space for respect and understanding with the other parent, you become consumed with the battle of things. It becomes about what you as a parent think is best, and not always about what is best for the child. What it comes down to is that it's just not worth it. We all want to do what is right deep down, but when it gets muddied with our personal feelings about the other parent, everything immediately gets harder. So if you are doing this on your own - I raise a toast to you, to the single parents who work at making those choices not only on their own, but with the chance that they are not congruent with the other parents choices. I salute you for having the strength and courage to do it on your own, and for making space for negotiation. Parenting isn't easy - but it can be simpler when we let go, and let the love for our little humans in. To the other parent: you are not alone, we are both doing this solo, and we can do better for our kids. Respect, support, understanding.