one step at a time

The days feel longer, and the cold is stuck in my bones. Can't warm up, can't stay awake. There is something so comforting about the grey of winter though, something that leaves me numb from all the rest of it. My movements are slow motion, and it feels like I am constantly waiting for something that won't come. I find myself wondering constantly what *needs* to happen, ignoring what should happen for the benefit of everyone. All the while, neglecting what should probably happen for the benefit of me. It's amazing to me how readily I will put my own needs in the back seat while I adhere to the needs of everyone else. I need to get back into the practice of self care - and stop worrying so much about what everyone thinks. The people who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.

ghost in my mind

restless. things to do, goals to accomplish - and I am frozen in place, anxiety rushing in like a current of water flowing into the underground levels of a slowly sinking ship. no way to patch the hole, no way to stop the flow of water.. soon to be my demise. so I sit here, frozen and helpless - watching the water rise higher and higher around my feet. what an absolutely terrible feeling this is.

sunshine, red wine, reason to sing.

Some times the right answer, doesn't seem like the right answer. Life is tricky like that, always keeping you on your toes. My toes are cut up, sore and bloody. In fact, there are holes in my shoes, worn out from where i've been balancing on my tip toes. I know there is more to life than this, and that the fog is keeping me low. I have more to offer, more to do... it's time I found a way out. Some days I wake up, not really awake at all. Some nights, I sit here restless in a body that feels alien to me. I shift from person to person, without much warning. I wonder how hard that must be, for everyone watching. I'd challenge that it's harder to do, than to watch. Though, I shouldn't say hard... it comes so naturally. I am a professional shifter. And sometimes, it's just not an easy choice. These decisions will mold me, shape me, break me and hold me. I can't do anything but what I'm going to do, though. We knew that already though, didn't we? I'm the wind, and it's never really easy to hold on to something that you're not sure was ever really there in the first place. The right answer doesn't always seem like the right one, but only I never asked you to decide what's right for me... did I?