the due date.

Alas, here we are - and still only the four of us. We are trying to be patient ... we are trying to remind ourselves that you will come when you are ready. We just want you to know, little baby - that *we* are ready for you! Come on out, we can't wait to meet you!

the world awakens on the run

comfort like crawling into a bed made with clean sheets fresh from the line on a warm summer night. like eating your favorite food, and not stopping when your full. like hearing your favorite song after it's been awhile and it leaves you with the same tingling feeling it did when you first heard it. comfort like a big bear hug when you feel like the world has quit on you. it's the exhaustion you feel after waking from a relatively sleepless night - and only sleepless because you spent the night awake and talking about things you might have not said otherwise. it's a quiet contempt - a peaceful exhaustion. a 'nothing can ruin this mood' kind of morning. don't get me wrong, come 12:30 I will be back in between those sheets welcoming the sleep I forgot to grasp onto in the early hours of the day. but for now, the tiredness is welcomed and accepted. the rarity of that comfort is something that can't be changed, for if it were often it wouldn't be that kind of comfort. i don't mind it's absence because the feeling it leaves me with will last until the next.

> morning yearning : ben harper

A fingers touch upon my lips
It’s a morning yearning
It’s a morning yearning
Pull the curtains shut try to keep it dark
But the sun is burning
The sun is burning

The world awakens on the run
And we’ll soon be earning
We’ll soon be earning
With hopes of better days to come
That’s a morning yearning
Morning yearning

Morning yearning…

Another day another chance to get it right
Must I still be learning?
Must I still be learning?
Baby crying kept us up all night
With her morning yearning
With her morning yearning

Morning yearning…

Like a summer rose I’m a victim of the fall
But am soon returning
Soon returning
Your love’s the warmest place the sun ever shines
My morning yearning
My morning yearning

Morning yearning…

nesting

I feel restless - I keep wandering around, organizing this and cleaning that. If I'm not moving, I need to be organizing my mind. I think I'm subconsciously preparing for the inevitable.. I think that means it's almost time. I am now eagerly awaiting this arrival like it's something I didn't see coming. The idea of having a sweet, tiny little human laying next to me fills me to the brim with excitement and pure ecstasy. I find myself in complete denial that the time has already come, that soon (s)he will be here and I will once again be challenged in every way possible. Running on little to no sleep, constantly on call for someone - sleeping on another persons schedule. It feels like it's been years and years... and I suppose it almost has... 2.5 years ago, at least. I'm giddy at the prospect - and who knows, next post may be "welcome to the world baby!"

I was quick to learn but slow to understand

When is enough, enough? I have contemplated this my entire life - always searching for some kind of conclusion, some way to trust my intuition. I find myself waging wars on the standards I have set in my mind - constantly renegotiating my lines drawn in the sand. I seem unable to trust my gut instinct these days, as if it has somehow led me astray... maybe it has. What is the purpose of the sand drawn lines? After all, once the high tide comes in they are just washed away with the waves anyhow. Maybe I should find something more concrete to be drawing these lines in - maybe I need to learn how to stick to my gut instinct instead of letting the waves lead me into the deep wide dark unknown. I can't be sure of much these days, I can't find solace in my own words. It get harder to know when to give up the fight and surrender to the outcome - it's getting harder to know if the fight is worth the battle wounds. It would seem as though I don't know much about anything at all.

another year, another chance to get it right.

and so it goes - the ultimate renewal of all that has gone wrong. A new year to change the direction, right the wrongs, change your ways. A signifying moment every 365 days to resolve old wars - to resolute not to go down the same road again. The pressure is unbearable - perhaps that is the point. The pressure behind this time of year is present to push us to our limits, and make us really evaluate what the last year was... who we were and who we have become. A chance to make amends and change the aspects of yourself and your life that are undesirable. Most commonly we tell ourselves things like "I'm going to get in shape" or "I want to repair a broken friendship" or "I'm going to eat healthier" or stop smoking, or quit drinking, or walk more. Safe resolutions that most of us won't commit too, and by this time next week they will thoughtfully be stored somewhere in the back of our brains with little if any intention to really make the changes. I wonder what would happen if we could really commit to making the changes that need to commence - and really understand the gravity behind putting that kind of resolution into action. Where would we be a few months from now? Where would we end up?